Already got asked if we're dating
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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