Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
