The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
