don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
