Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
