i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
