Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
