Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
