Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
