Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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