ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
