one might say we're banned from that church
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
