maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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