My sheets look like a crime scene.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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