Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
