it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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