Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
