You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
