If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
