just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
