the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
