he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
