Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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