I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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