The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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