nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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