Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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