There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
