She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
