I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
