you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
