Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
