If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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