I wish I only lived at night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
