party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
