Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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