just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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