matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
