Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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