Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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