Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
