you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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