i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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