I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
