Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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