the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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