Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
