dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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