In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
