Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
